I'm moving to multiply. I'll start posting there na, but I'll work on the layout pa. :)

I think this post will be a long one. XD Haha. I have a lot of things to tell :D Lots of things on my mind. Basta everyday talaga, God never fails to humble me down with everything He's revealing. :)

HEALING PROCESS
So far, I'm doing really well on moving on. Those days when I would miss him continues to lessen. There will be days that I won't even think of him anymore. :D By God's grace, I'm finally moving on. My heart is finally healing. :) Minsan, I would still remember him. Whenever I would pass by a spot where we often meet, eat, or hang out, or when I hear a song that makes me remember him. But really, I am making BIG progress, thank God. :) Before, I thought that every 'break up' song was meant for me. Haha, baliw. But yeah, I was that depressed. But now, I can listen to some songs without thinking about him na. :D God is really great. He continues to heal me. :D :D The process is not yet complete. I can't stand listening to 'emo' songs parin because they will definitely make me sad and emotional. I know that's why they're called 'emo' songs, but I hate that feeling kasi. Ahahaha. I hate being emotional and sad. It's just not me. :3

CHRISTIANS DO NOT FLIRT
I was waiting for the soundcheck for the Youth Praise and Worship to start (this happened last week), and I ran into the blog bulletin board near the pantry. There was something posted there which was entitled "Christian men do not flirt". I read some of it, and I was able to get something. The writer said that Christian men do not flirt because it would be a way of 'testing the waters', and it absolutely doesn't make God happy. It doesn't give God glory. If Christian men do not flirt because God doesn't want them to, Christian women shouldn't as well right? Haha.

I have a confession.. I KNOW I MAY SOUND SUPER KAPAL, OR ASA, BUT HEY, I'M NOT PERFECT. Haha. :P So anyway, I have this habit of 'testing the waters'. It's like this. Whenever I go to a place or an activity, I would always look for the good looking guys there and I would always try to do something to 'impress' them in the best way I can. I KNOW, I KNOW, ANG STUPID. I mean, who am I to do that, kapal ko naman, di naman maganda pero paganun ganun pa. But I just didn't know. I wasn't aware of it. I would always think that maybe, that guy would actually like me. By taking that chance, it kind of gives me hope and inspiration to look my best.. To exert an effort in making myself look beautiful. A question like 'Wow ang gwapo nya, could it be him? Could he be the one?'' will be in my mind.

But then, I realized, that doing this kind of thing doesn't only make me 'test the waters' which do not bring God glory, but it also display an act of irresponsibility. Sige, let's say you were testing the water and you found it nice. It suites you well. What now? You'll jump in? You'll pursue the relationship? Okay. Let's say you two end up being together. What if you find out that he/she is not the one for you? You break up, leaving each other with broken hearts. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about ._. And why do we even have to test the waters? God has someone in store for us. We will meet him/her at the right place, at the right time. We just have to be patient. :)

From now on, I'll look at everyone I meet as a brother in Christ. I'll stop testing the waters. Someone is out there somewhere :) God is holding him by His other hand and is holding my hand on the other. Someday, He will make our paths cross. I shall wait for you my love. <3 :)

THEATER
I volunteered for the theater team again. :)  I can't make it to the DVBS, so volunteered here. We are almost done shooting the skits and I hope it'll be a success :D Tomorrow is the last shooting. I don't know if I'll be going. Probably not, but I'm praying that they'll be able to shoot well. :D

YOUTH WORSHIP TEAM
Graaaaaabe. :) I can really see God working in the youth worship team. I can see that everyone's changing. I can't explain how, but I can see so much spiritual maturity in all of them, and because of that, I learn constantly. I learn from their stories, their insights, and how they respond to everything. People there are such a blessing :) I want to get close to them, but I don't know how. I don't want them to think that I'm 'feeling close' or something like that. And isa pa, I used to like someone from there, and I think he knew about it. Because of that, and because I was so young, and I wasn't aware of my actions, I ended up doing LOTS of things that might have irritated him or made him feel negativity towards me.. or maybe I'm just being paranoid. Baka nga he didn't even notice eh.XD Hahahaha. Basta. I don't like him anymore as much as I did before, but I'm afraid that if I try to get close to all of them, they might think that I only became part of the ministry because I want to get close to that someone. :( Or they might think that the only reason why I'm active in the ministry is because he is there. Nooo. That is so wrong. :( I hope they're not thinking that way.. and I hope he doesn't find out that I still like him.. My intentions and my motives are clear. I'm in the ministry for God.. It just happened that he is part of the ministry. x.x Please don't judge me..

FAMILY
I love what's happening to my family now. Everybody's talks about God now. We even take time to pray for everything. I've been praying for this and now that it's finally happening, I'm just soooo amazed at how God makes everything happen on His own timing. :)

~~~

This past week, God has been blessing me so much. He has showed me a lot of things that I didn't see before and I'm sooooo blessed lang tlga. :) I'm currently really happy. No, not happy, OVERWHELMED. :) Grabe. :) Oh! I've started this 'routine' of whenever I'm left alone in the house, I would take time to pray for 10 things(or more) I can list down. :D So please, please pray for me. :D

Shoutout 1!:
AHHH! :p I'm in the process of sharing Jesus to a friend. I sent him a song, and I hope it touches his heart somehow. :D And all will hear this sound as the nations turn to you, AND THIS WILL BE OUR ANTHEM, CAUSE IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!~ Woooooooh!!X)

Shoutout2!:
Haha. I.. like.. someone again! X) Hahahhahaha. NO, NOT MY EX. XD Definitely not him. I'd rather die hahahaha. Si tooooooooot :3 Hahahaha. Hay. <3

Hahhahahaha it's been weeks and weeks since I last saw the indescribable video, and still I am awed by Jesus everyday. Ahh. I love Him so much :D

Kanina, I played for the youth worship. So happyyy :D :D

Haha. Anyway, I learned something from our devotion today. I learned that the most important factor in our Christian life, is what is in our hearts. It's something that I hear almost everyday, but it never really got to me, not until now. Les and Anton were talking about someone who's joining the band. Anton was asking about that person and Les said something like, he's not that good yet and he needs to improve. He also mentioned that that person seemed impatient, and he said mas importante parin ang heart and motives. No matter how long you've been exposed to Godly things, it really doesn't matter unless you really put those things in your heart. Unless you take things seriously. I know some people kasi, they are Christians (That's what they claim) but they don't really show it. I'm not judging them or whatever, I don't really know them personally so I don't have the right to judge them at all. But my point is, no matter how religious you may seem, no matter how often you attend Sunday worhsip, none of those will matter unless your heart changes for the Lord. :)

Personally, I'm sure of one thing. God is not done with me yet. I still need to change. I need to change for Him :) I need to change my heart continuously, just like what I learned in the deovotion. :) I've changed a lot since I first came to know Jesus, but this isn't enough. I still have a lot to learn. :)

I'm willing to learn for You, Lord. Build me up. :)

Not because everything's fixed or something, but because everything is turning out okay. :) I can finally wake up each day feeling thankful that God gave me the chance to wake up and experience another day. I can finally say that I'm truly happy, even without my ex. Grabe, before.. I can remember myself thinking that I would die if I lose him, that I can't face life without him, that I can't be happy without him. I just realized how stupid that was. :P Of course I won't die,

I just can't put into words how exactly I'm feeling at this moment. It's like, a big "WOW." God, God, God, I just can't stop talking about God. :) I'm sooo overwhelmed by how much He loves me, all of us, despite all of our imperfections. Whenever I look up and see the beauty of the sky, (I really love the sky hehe) it never fails to put a smile on my face and remind me what a great God I'm 'friends' with. He, God, The Lord, The Almighty.. has called me friend. :)

I.. I just can't imaging life without Him. I can't even imagine myself living without Him in my life. I'm just so thankful.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. :) :) :) So happy. Hahahaha.

 

I'm gonna play for worship tomorrow!! :D After a looooooooong break from ministry, here I am again! XD Hahaha yay!! :D This is really something big for me. Super.

Here's what happened:

On my way home yesterday, I was listening to All About You by Hillsongs, and I dunno I just had the feeling of wanting to play. And it's also been a long time since I last played. Me and my d-group (d-group at school), we have been constantly praying about this.

So when i got home, I texted Galene and asked her if I could go back to the ministry. She wasn't sure so she said that she'll ask Les. I didn't want her to text Les kasi baka sabihin nagagawa ako ng dahilan para magpapansin. I already made a fool of myself before and I don't want it to happen again, EVER. So anyway, I texted Les parin to ask if I could go back. I didn't get any reply so I got kinda sad, I really wanted to play.. But before I could even finish praying about it, Sam sent me a text asking if I could go to practice. WOW. :)

Before I even spoke of it, God already knew. :)

He is such a wonderful God.. <3

~~~

The way I wrote this post is kind of lame. Hahahaha. I'm sleepy.

"Pres GMA approved d P150M bdgt 4 d unified multi(666) SSS ID systm, DZRH rported,ngstart na. Microchip/biochip iinject in hand/4head ng tao w/c dey kol lyftym savings. USA., nxt s d Philippines. Dami ngpatatak acrdng 2 tym mgzne...Pls pas 2 ol christians.. Rapture will take place anytime! BE PREPARED."

I did some research to find out what this text means, and it's true. PGMA approved of the alloted budget for implementing the microchip/biochip. SSS, PAG-IBIG, Philhealth, and other major government organizations of the Philippines are working on the preparation of the microchip/biochip. The article said that once the implementation is complete, people will be required to have the microchip as identification, and also for lifetime savings.

 

I got this from Karot's blog. And, Oh my God. The Lord is coming! He's coming, he's coming!!!

Why am I even depressed about my relationship!? THE LORD IS COMING!!!! He's gonna take us all home any time soon. EVERYONE GET READY! Make ready your hearts and prepare the way!! :)

 

Words had been said, things happened. It's not like I can change any of them.. Yesterday, we were talking.. We talked as if nothing happened. But, it pains me so much to see that he's now happy with someone else..

I was trying the best I can to get over everything, to act as if I didn't really care, and he's happy with someone else as I go through all of this? How nice is that?

I want to forget you.. But I don't know where to start... I don't know how to let go of all the anger and pain I have inside of me... I don't know...

I should be hating you right now... But I don't. I just can't...

I just want this to end... I wish I could just wake up, just like waking up from a really bad dream and forgetting everything as soon as I open my eyes...

Dear reader,
Please. Please pray for me...

Worship today was soo overwhelming. I cried all throughout haha.

I love how the speaker in the video (Forgot his name but it was the Indescribable Tour video) related the universe to God's love for us. He said that our earth is just like a little dot on the biiig big universe that God made. Even the galaxy that we are in is just a bogger dot. So it's like we're living on a dot of a dot, and what are we then? The smalles of all dots? Billions of dots so small, that you can't even see when you're really far..

Yet, despite that smallness, the almighty God knows each and every one of those dots.. He knows them all by name. Every single one of us.. :)

I was so stupid to think that He doesn't hear me calling. That he doesn't hear me praying.

Isn't it overwhelming to know that God, the Almighty, the Lord of lords, the King of kings knows each and every one of us by name? Indescribable. <3

Haha, well, I'm done with the stumbling moment. :P

I just realized, it is NOT you who I miss. NOT you.

I just miss having someone to call me when I'm sick to ask me if I'm okay. I miss holding someone else's hand. I miss having someone to text when I don't have anything to do. I miss looking forward to monthsaries. I miss looking forward to dates. I miss having a boyfriend.

I don't miss you. =P You're not worth missing. HAH! IN YOUR FACE! XD

Yup. So far so good. I am doing pretty well. I'm still alive and breathing.. I'm doing fine without you.

But there are just days when I feel like falling.. Sometimes I just feel like giving this all up.. Just to be with you again. I know, I know, I'm eating up everything I've said.

But for this moment... I want to just hold you again. I want to feel you near me. Just for tonight I want to feel your hug.... I miss you. I miss you a lot..

I know this is a normal reaction after breaking up. I'll recover from this. I know I will.

Oh please oh please just get out of my thoughts..Leave me alone!!

 Please just stop occupying my mind..

Since I was a child, I have been a big fan of love. I get thrilled when I hear love stories, I sigh at a happy ending, I smile at the sight of holding hands. I felt that I want to be part of a love story. I want to be able to hold someone's hands and say I love you. At a very young age, I was already thinking this way.

I had my first guy best friend during first grade. He was great! We were seatmates and we helped each other out during classes. We even shared our problems. I found myself staring at him and thinking about him most of the time, I felt what they had described in love movies; I felt butterflies in my stomach when I was with him. I believed that I was in love.

I believed that 'love' is a feeling of admiration, a feeling of wanting to be with someone, and wanting to hold his hand. I carried this belief with me, even as I grew older.

I had another best friend during my first year in high school. "He was great!", I thought. He was raised in the states, and he acted different from everybody else. Again, I felt what they had described in love movies. I was again in love. He wasn't a believer. In fact, he didn't believe in God, and because I liked him and he was my best friend, I believed in what he believed. He changed my way of thinking.. I was slowly turning my back on God subconsciously, and I liked how it felt.. Even though I had stopped liking him, I still had his influence. I was slowly becoming a non believer.

In the year 2006, my family started to be active in attending Sunday worship services. I thought it was 'baduy' because they became all holy all of a sudden. But because I was part of the family, I had to go. Then to my surprise, someone caught my attention. I saw him every Sunday, and little did I know, I was feeling what they had described in love movies again. I was in love again.

I found out that he was also part of the Youth ministry, so I started to go there as well. I didn't have any idea on what they do there, but I didn't care. He will be there, so I wanted to be there too.

My feelings for him grew stronger, and I can say that it made me do really stupid and embarrassing things.  I did things that I thought will make a way for us to get close. I attended the Youth service regularly, I became part of a discipleship group, I attended other CCF involved activities, just because he will be there. I became active at church for the wrong reasons. Then I don't know what happened, he probably found out my big secret, because I felt that I was being avoided. Or maybe I was just paranoid, I don't know. But for sure, I felt rejected. I was really hurt. I felt broken. I wanted to be loved back.. And because he was showing signs that he doesn't like me at all, this feeling grew stronger.

I became worse. I felt so worthless, I felt ugly, I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved back. I felt that I didn't even deserve God. I wanted to just die.

 

Because of this feeling of brokenness, I longed for God. I felt that I really needed Him, so I signed up for the Youth camp. It was great. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and since then, I can say that I had a personal relationship with Him.

My longing for God grew stronger. I signed up for an upcoming event for the Sunday school, the DVBS. "Maybe through this, I can serve God in exchange for saving me", I thought. So I attended.

Again, someone caught my attention. He was one of the marshalls and I was one of the group guides, so I see him all throughout the DVBS event. He was really nice. He helped me a couple of times, and I thought it was sweet. I was again, in love. But this time, I didn't go for it. Instead, I prayed for it. I prayed that he will notice me, and that God will allow us to be friends. I made a deal with God. I said, "Lord, please just allow us to be friends. Allow me to be part of his life. I know it's not the right time for relationships so I promise you that I won't be anything to him except a friend until the right time comes." I kept on praying. I prayed for two years, and it finally happened.  For some reason, I found out his number, and I prayed about texting him. After a while, I sent my first text message, and that was the start of it all.

We talked often, and we see each other every time they worship at CCF alabang. I thought, wow God has answered my prayer. Could this be the start of something? This went on for a while, and he finally asked me to be his best friend. Eventually, he confessed that he had feelings for me. I was overwhelmed. I thought that that was it, REAL love. The love that leads to marriage. Real love that I always wanted.

Being driven by our feelings for each other, we advanced our relationship as friends, to lovers. His mom didn't like me, so we ended up hiding our relationship, and lying to his parents. Our relationship went on. He made promises like he'll marry me after he finished college. We even had plans on where our house will be. I thought it was really sweet.

When I started college, he was still my boyfriend. We see each other often. But something had changed our relationship. When he first hugged me, it felt really nice. I felt loved. My longing to be loved was satisfied. But one thing will always lead to another. Our hugs led to holding hands. Our holding hands led to kisses... And it leads to something more, making us push the line.

I can say that we went a little bit too far. We didn't do anything drastic like engaging in premarital sex, but I know that we weren't making God happy anymore. The fact that we were together as lovers was already crossing the line. I promised God that I won't be anything to him but a friend until the right time comes if only He will allow us to be friends. To make it worse, we were not able to guard each other's purity. It already felt different. I felt like he only wanted to see me so that he could be physically intimate with me. I didn't feel the 'love' anymore. This kind of relationship went on but after a while we finally broke up. I guess God just saved me before I give in to the pressure. As much as it hurts losing him, I know that what God did was for my own good.

Now I know what the phrase True Love Waits really means. True love waits, not only sexually, but also emotionally. I've been giving a portion of my heart away, all my life. But because of what happened, I was able to realize and come to a point where I've decided to just be patient and wait for God's best for me. I still think about him and miss him sometimes, but I know God will get me through.

1 Peter 5:7 says "The Lord cares for you so turn all your worries over to Him."

I'm in the process of recovering from a hurtful relationship but I know that God will make things better.Ü I was stupid to think that nobody loved me. THE ALMIGHTY GOD LOVES ME! :D

God's best, where ever you are, I love you. I'm longing for you. <3